Deportation is a funny thing...

I want to preface this blog post by saying.. damnit James. I read your stupid blog all the time.. so I'm expecting a picture posted of the essence of my soul soon as well. And it better be fucking snappy.

Anyway..... sooooo... wow. I guess I'll start with the deportation... "deportation" story first since that seems to be the most interest provoking topic. I have to start off the story with first explaining that Peter, Pat, and I had been on a 20 hour train from Hong Kong to Shanghai... we were restless as all hell and had absolutely nothing to do. I had listened to my ipod for hours on end until it died... boo. Pat & Peter were in the dining car having a drink so I decided to go track them down since I had nothing else to do.. I'd been sitting in darkness for a few hours already, and in my haste, I forgot to put my glasses on before I left.. so my vision's just a blurry mess as I go stumbling and stomping through the hallways of the train. I'm pretty sure I looked cuh-RAZY. Anyway, I get there and apparently they're bored as all hell too.... so we just started to crush peanut shells much to the dismay of the train attendants. Don't worry.. we cleaned it all up. So we eventually head back to our beds still too bored to even fall asleep.. so we pretty much go completely ape shit and revert back to childhood. Or feisty toddlerhood. Feral ass motherfuckers. There is absolutely NOTHING to do so we just start beating the shit out of each other. I mean poking, prodding, punching, kicking... holy shit. We've gone absolutely bonkers. Finally we just exhausted ourselves from such activities and passed out.. I don't even remember doing so. We get into Shanghai pretty much all RUMPLEstiltskin-ed out and relieved to be experiencing fresh air again... ugggh it was total cabin fever. We go through immigration procedures when... wait.. no.... we're stopped and escorted into a small office... oh... shit.. what the hell is going on?

We get sat down while all these security guards are filing in and out of the room.. all the while casting sidelong glances at us. We get introduced to an extremely amiable fellow who quickly introduces himself as such... "Hi! I'm Alex Lau. But you can call me Alex... or Captain Lau." Turns out we need a multiple entry Chinese to go through Hong Kong.. ohhhhh myyyy gaaaaaaaaaaawd. Rewind to a day or some random amount of time before... Me: "hey.. do you think we need a multiple entry visa to get back into China?"... Pat: "No.. i don't think so"... although by the time I said it, it was pretty much already too late. We tried to reason with the guy.. explaining that we didn't know... and also, god damnit, wasn't Hong Kong a part of China? So we weren't going to be let into Shanghai at all.. not even for the day. We asked to be taken the airport and told them we'd fly out that day if we could.. but we were denied. They told us that they would be sending us back on the very next train which was in about 4 hours... but they were nice enough to buy us lunch and then a hotel room to wait in until we had to go. Still.. it was total fuck nuts. We are such dumbasses. We couldn't even get mad about it.. it was our own damn fault.

So we get escorted out of the Shanghai station followed by about 5 or 6 guards.. 2 in the front, the rest in the back. We totally looked like criminals. They took us to the restaurant in the hotel and we decided that we wanted to order the most expensive shit on the menu.. but boooooo.. we were denied again. The menu is completely in Chinese so we were helpless.. one of the female guards jumps in to order for us.. and she is just nooooot very nice. We asked for certain things to eat but didn't really get anything we asked for.. she wouldn't even let us drink any booze. Damnit lady. Wouldn't you need booze after a huge ordeal like that? What she ended up ordering for us was chicken.. which was pretty okay except that the face of the chicken was left on the plate. It was staring at me the entire meal.... except it was only half the head. If you flipped it over.. as Pat did.. it revealed a hodge-podge of brains, gooey gross shit, and whatever the hell else is inside a chicken head. We asked for duck... and we were brought these gray, cold, and verrrrry unappetizing pieces of chopped up duck neck. slkdfjsdkfjkldfskjsdfjsf!! We tried it but it was just kind of weird and bleh. There were mushrooms and baby bok choy in some sort of sauce that was alright.. we also had some bland noodle soup. Peter got up to go ask the lady for rice... they were sitting about 20 feet away from us at the "adult table" since we were apparently at the little kiddie table. In about 5-10 minutes, the surly waitress appears and plops down a giant bowl of god knows what soup. Seriously. Only god knew what. It was white, and thick, and filled with little rice cake(dduk) pieces. We tried it and BLEEECHHH!! It was sweet and ahhhhhhhh what the hell is this?? We wonder if we should ask for more food.. and we're all reluctant to get back up and ask scary lady for more food.. Peter retorts, "Well.. you saw what happened when I asked for something." which put a funny image in my head of Peter asking for more things.. like say.. where the bathroom is or what the capital of Ukraine is... and then the response every time would be a huge thud.. and then appears another bowl of yuck soup. Pretty soon our table would be creaking under the weight of like..... 10 bowls of it. Oh dear.

So every time we looked over at their table, they seemed to stare right back at us. We were pretty much being treated like children and instead of proving them wrong.. I guess we kind of just acted like some. It was hilarious because all of these movie cliches were occurring... and we were playing into them as much as they were playing out in front if us. We discussed the idea of a possible escape... to where it would lead to a wild chaotic chase scene where the mean lady would yell out, "CATCH THOSE KIDS!!" And then suddenly all of the adults in the room would join the chase as we just completely wreak havoc on the dining floor.. no table or chair goes unturned. And then there would be a giant ogre of a man, probably mustached, who would be blocking the doorway to freedom.. his arms outstretched... his only mistake, which would result in his failure.. would be having his legs opened.... as we slid underneath them and out the door out of his reach. Pat and I pretty much had the same idea... maybe because we grew up in the Home Alone generation or whatever. Plan B would be that I would throw the giant bowl of soup into the wall and it would melt the wall.. also resulting in our freedom to romp around Shanghai. Peter's plan was that he would slowly disappear from their line of vision.. by slowly backing away from the table.. by the end of the meal, he was about 1 1/2 - 2 feet away from the table... haha.. he also said he just wanted to throw his shoe at them.

We get left with tons of food that we just find unappealing.. and we just think to ourselves... damnit. We can't just leave all this here.. they will not be happy. So we agree that we will just dump whatever we didn't finish into the giant bowl of soup.. which is pretty much like sending things into oblivion. We plop the little duck neck pieces and then stir it a little bit in order to fully conceal the lumps. Success! We then decide that we want dessert... since none of us were really satisfied with the meal. Pat goes over to the table and asks mean lady if we can order dessert.. she responds by handing him a small bowl of some weird gelly substance(doesn't look too different from yuck soup) and says "Here.. you can have one". He comes back and we stare at the strange dessert before tasting it... uggghh! Gross! It's like the bastard son of the soup!! Guess what we did? Yeh.. uh huh.. we sent it back to the mothership... the giant bowl of yuck soup. Pat wonders if we should order any more food.. and I say, "I don't know.. we don't have much more room in this soup." which is pretty much about to brim over the bowl. Ohhhhh jebus. We are just bored bored bored... and we decide to let them finish their meal before we get sent off into our rooms... but ladkjfkjdsf damnit.. every time we look over at them, they have more and more food arriving! They just won't quit! And all of their food looked infinitely better than ours.. hmph.

We later get sent to our rooms.... heh. Then I find out that I had to be separate from the boys because as mean lady said, "Because you are a female and they are males".... what! No fun. The rooms are REALLY nice though... but when I get into the room, they immediately send me into the bedroom and close the door... while apparently they'd be camping out in the living room area. Bullocks. I ask to go to the bathroom and immediately steal the toiletries... then I go back into the room and try to find anything that I can successfully steal. I even contemplated taking the robe but then decided it was too big to pack into my already full backpack. I flip on the telly only to find Bono staring back at me. GRRRROOOOOOOAAAAANNN!(Hi RYO!) I finally settle on a soccer/football match between China and North Korea. god did it suck. The game was pretty much a joke as neither team was very good at all... the best part of the game was when some guy got a red card for pretty much kicking some guy.

Anyway, that's the story folks. Sorry I worried you folks with my facebook status update. Expect more updates to come... unfortunately for you guys, I'm not done talking about this trip just yet.