I usually don't put much significance into holidays... I guess my family never really was into the holiday spirits and tradition... but I do agree that it is the usual time of year where all you wish to do is be in the presence of loved ones. I'm not all into the hype of all the Christmas music, consumerism, commercialism, and all that jazz... although I have been known to be a sucker for decorations and the smell of Christmas trees.. but I digress...
It's just weird because the timing is so weird right now...
The holidays should be spent with all of your loved ones and appreciating them all.. yet we've been consumed with missing everyone that's not here. I miss my family, Simba, and my friends(both the ones I've made in Korea and the ones back home) soooo much it is just absolutely ridiculous. We've all been dealing with the huge blow of losing the vast majority of our chingoos here in Korea.. as all of them return home.. "home"... wherever.. It's just been difficult to deal with, I guess. The remaining ones which include Pat, Jake, Peter, Alex(until the 30th), and I have been clinging onto each other, for sure. It's too hard to be alone now. The holiday setting sure doesn't help. It's almost like an added pressure on us... to be fucking merry and jolly and generally in the Christmas spirits and what not. Being here, it's a reminder that we're farther off from home than ever.
But, you know. We're trying. And slowly it's starting to get easier.. NOT to say that I'm forgetting or just simply getting over it. I'm just trying to suck-it-up and come to grips with this new reality because what else is there to do? It certainly was difficult the first few days.. where I couldn't talk to anyone because everyone was on their plane rides home... but I've been seeing a load of them online and we've been testing out skype and such. SKYPE SKYPE SKYPE SKYPE! I love this shit.
So, yeh. Here I go... I'm going to get sappy on you all but whatever.
I'm not used to posting intimate details of my life or emotional state on such public forums.. because I'm SUCH a privacy freak. ..but you know what? The friends I've made here have inspired me to believe that it's okay.. they're not going to judge me. If anything, they'll think I'm greater for it.. and I feel like I owe it to them to let them know how I feel. Anyway, here goes.
The first few days were incredibly rough.... of course I KNEW that it would be difficult.. I'd spent the last month or so psyching myself out on it in hopes that it would prepare me for this difficult period of time where everybody I hold so near to my fucking heart would leave me... I came into this KNOWing it would be hard but fuck. I didn't anticipate that it'd be this hard. I managed to keep my emotions in check whenever I was out and about with others, since it is a very rare occasion where anyone will see me cry in public... but every time I came back home, I'd turn into a fucking mess. I read and re-read my friends' messages to me over and over and relived all of our memories over and over.. and I couldn't get over how much I missed them and continue to miss them. Just walking through my neighborhood became this huge ordeal because I have a memory with at least one person in seemingly every fucking place in Sinchon.. so it's hard to try to not think about it too much. Even though the streets are littered with people, exceedingly congested even, I feel alone. Sinchon feels empty and deserted.
I mean, some of these people came to be some of my best friends.. and I don't necessarily know when the next time I'll see them may be. They were part of my EVERYDAY life.. and most people who know me pre-Korea know that I'm generally anti-social and can't stand being with people all of the time. I don't often become attached to people, if ever at all... So this was kind of a big deal. Pat & I have been Mopey Jones for the past few days... especially because we were extremely sleep deprived.. it became a total mind fuck explosion. Peter even said to us, "Man.. you guys are making this way too hard on yourselves." Haha.. Leave it to Peter. Pat & I couldn't even muster a response.. except "hmph".. haha. Anyway, I agreed with him but I also fully believe in feeling the extent of your emotions... at least for me. I mean, of course only for a short period of time.. living your life mourning is no way to live at all. But I do feel that feeling sad the past few days is the only way to get through this time period.. that it's the only way I'll learn to get over it. Otherwise all I'd be doing is blocking it out, denying my feelings... which in turn would result in dishonesty to myself.. also, every time I'd remember, it'd be like shock treatment.. I'd be hit with the blow each and every time and it would never get easier. So yeh.. but don't worry guys. I know I'm a strong person and I'm going to be o.k.
So this is the point where I'm turning... and I'm coming to realize all that I should be and am grateful for in my life. As Peter so eloquently said in his blog... we're lucky to feel the sadness of missing people... because not everyone in life has people that they love as much as we do.. and not everyone has that love in return. So, guys. I've said it to a couple people already but here it is again.. what we've lost is marginal to what we've gained.. it is only a winning game from here on out folks. Ryo said that it's not that we're best friends in Korea.. we're best friends that happened to meet in Korea. Shit, I'm just quoting other people now, right? But whatever, my friends are fucking brilliant. So be it. My friends have been coming online so it's been wonderful talking to them again. I'm excited to be able to maintain these relationships.. thanks to modern day technology! Haha. There is still so much to learn about and learn from these people. It's a beautiful thing. I'm also sure of the fact that I will see all these kids again.... so I'm definitely excited for that. HELLS YES!
Additionally, I'm glad that the people here still with me happen to be the people that I didn't get to know quite as well this past semester.. and they are all amazing people. So I hope to deepen my relationships with them. Pat, Peter, Anna, Joseph, and Jake.. I'm grateful that you guys are still here with me.. I know it's been nothing short of difficult lately.. but let's make our time together here continue to count. Yeh?
Whew, I didn't intend for this to be this long.
And keep watching, there's more to come... yikes? I'm just going to warn you in advance that there's going to be lapses of times, rewinds in time... just.. there's not going to be much congruity or coherence when it comes to time. It's going to go from here to there, to back then, to whenever. I still want to blog about some of the experiences that happened before.. such as temple stay, James' birthday, and such. O.k. so guys. Thanks for making it to this here end.. and I'll talk to you all soon. I love you and miss you all.
In the meantime, check out these images. I can't get over them.... thanks to Jason for introducing me to the greatness of lolcatz and i can haz cheezburger... I now feel more alive than I've ever felt before..... har har
